i dont understand how the two can coexist. i get plenty of ass. but then the problem starts when they stick around an it becomes more girl time an less harp time. an for me music is my true love. an then they make me feel bad for letting them know that.
but did you find your woman when you allready knew how to play? or were you still a beginner? cause as a beginner i try to devote ALL my spare time to practice.
I would think 15 hours of practice time a week would be good. If not that probably explains where I'm at yet. Good point though plenty of things get in the way like I work a total of 55hrs a week (40 + 5hrs lunch + 10hrs driving (which I guess I could try to play something/anything while concentrating on the road)) and that really sucks out the time I could practice. But yeah when I was in a relationship I wasn't practicing too much more then 10 hours a week.
---------- ~Ryan Pennsylvania - H.A.R.P. (Harmonica Association 'Round Philly)
i've been married for 2 years, have 2 kids with a third on the way, and own my own buisness.. i started playing harp about 7 months ago, and can tell you that you are right about it being hard to find time to practice.. but i do what i can.. alot of playing in the car, showing up to work an hour early.. i have learned in the last few months, that if i want to get better, i have to carry my harp everywhere..
i tried learning guitar, but it was too hard to lug around in my pocket :)
i may not be as far along as i should be(maybe an advanced beginner)but i have alot of fun, and it takes my mind off all of the pressures of life..
i have to admit, my last wife, who was not musical at all, really got an attitude when i began hitting a jam once a week and later working with bands. she went so far as to give me a time limit- 5 years- to "really get someplace" with music, and then i'd "have to find another hobby". this really was a bone of contention for her. there were additional reasons besides this but it was a part of why we divorced and went our separate ways finally.
i was already fairly accomplished when i met my current wife. not long after we married, i was "between bands" and pretty disgusted with the local scene here. she brought a guitar home one day and began to learn to play it. very slow going. meanwhile i ended up in another project with an old friend and it rocked along for a couple or 3 years. by then, wife was seriously learning guitar, and we ended up forming a duo. we've had some of the best times i ever had just doing little gigs locally, and also hitting clarksdale mississippi a few times in the past year and playing a cafe there. i know how lucky i am!
it takes a special partner to live with a musician, and maybe more so an aspiring musician. things are not always rosy with my wife here, she gets hurt sometimes if i get asked on stage and she doesn't. and she gets frustrated with learning something on guitar, but i have to say i never lie to her. if it don't sound good, i tell her so, and she works out something else. if i get too busy on harp, she tells me and i back off.
to me, regardless, whatever your romantic life, you must follow your muse or you will not be happy in your own skin. if you are not fulfilled then what can you offer someone else? if your significant other can't relate to your need for expression, or if you can't relate to hers, that deal may be done pretty soon. but there are people out there who resonate in the same frequency we do.
i started messing with harps a long long time ago. there were times i just put them away because i didn't "get it". but always, they were waiting for me to try again. some years ago, before meeting this wonderful gal, i had made a decision that no matter what, i was going to blow harp and sing blues for the rest of my life. day job, sure, but this was my avocation, it chose ME. if you have a gift, you share it or lose it along with part of your spirit. just my opinion.
i never really did formal practice. i don't know my scales, shame on me. but every time i got the chance, i was listening to my heroes on cd and trying to do what they did, or i was out at an open mic, or working with a band or a partner in a duo. i'm a decent gut player and i have no fear of getting on a stage with just about anyone these days. i believe that practice is important, but it's only about hours spent to a degree. it's also about going out and doing trench warfare, that's where you get your dues paid. knowing all the riffs and songs etc by heart only counts if the band you're on stage with will do those songs or give you room to work your riffs. so by all means, practice, but remember the other half of the equation!
see for me i think it realy comes down to what i want from music. for most of my life i wanted to be a musician. drugs kinda hindered that in a way. also kinda helped. but thats anouther story, point is i want to do something with music. if i dont ill probobly just end up being homeless, or dead. i cant get a real job. its not in me. im 25 about to be 26 years old an have basically zero work history. all my jobs have been under the table including my current job. so that makes it hard to get a real job. i work 20 hours a week. the rest of the time i try to practice. but then the girl comes into play an practice time gets cut down...i get older...ect. well in other news i was just on the phone with my current lover, an we broke it off. i dont think she took the idea of her coming 2nd to a harmonica to well. fuck it.
I am fortunate.. We married at a very young age and grew up together, enjoying the same things and sharing so many different adventures. We toured Europe on motorcycle, were firefighters together for just over 5 years, have done thousands of bicycle miles together, camping, and more.
With that said, there is no one answer nor one solution to relationship problems. Eventually they find the forensic evidence on the shovel end of the backhoe.
And if a woman can't appreciate the skills you have developed playing harmonica then either you need to practice more or find another woman.
But seriously, really, if she cannot accept the things you like, such as your music, odds are that even if you gave it up she would find something else to bitch about.
Did it work for me? Been married for 38 years.. so far, so good. Give me a call in a decade and I'll let you know how we're doing.
Last Edited by on Sep 21, 2009 9:42 PM
@ randy: she liked my playing an was very supportive. that wasnt the problem. the problem was time with her was less time with my harp. then when i mentioned that she flipped.
"all the girl dram is giving you fuel for a future in blues lyrics writing!"
My current wife ie the only one I have had and have been married to for over 40 years has I thought no appreciation of the harp. Then again none of my friends, I thought, do either. So who is to change?
Only recently having relatives staying on vacation I decided instead of playing blues licks and practicing pentatonic scales , general improvising, honking on bends etc etc that I would quietly play a few simple standards.eg Bridge over Troubled Water; Hallelujah; Georgia; Lost Highway; Wonderful World. I was quietely playing away in another room and my sister came in and said 'that was beautiful I didn't realise you played so well'. Something of a revelation as I started playing the harp 55 years ago and whilst she is my kid sister she certainly is no kid! There has of course been quantum improvement in my playing since discovering this site.
In the car I couldn't play blues music as no one but I seemed to like it.Its on my ipod though. But only in this last week or so I have been practising earnestly some of the standards above in order to dip my toe in the water with busking. Guess what, no criticisms, and I even found my wife humming one of the tunes long after I had stopped.
If I could play the blues well , I can't, it might ,I hope be different so its going to be a slower journey. I take every opportunity when 'she who must be obeyed' is out shopping to listen and practice.
Then again I love Country Music and very few I know share the same passion.
I'm succesfully Divorced....twice. I have no answers here. Just make sure you get all your gear outta the house before the split. Women are like streetcars, you get off one, catch another at the next corner. Music is always there.
'see for me i think it realy comes down to what i want from music' Jon you are already dedicating your youthful enthusiasm to mastering the harmonica. Carry on this path and do not be deterred. Make your goal to play with other musicians, bands, whatever, so you do not need to do so much introverted 'practice' When you get there and can do 'trench warfare' with confidence and your soul, it will all click into place and you may find the right person just sees and understands you. Good luck
My wife loves music but not harmonica. I try not to practice around her but i do manage an hour a day and i also spend Saturday afternoon jamming with a guitar buddy so it works out ok. You just eventually find a balance, i try to do things she likes which gives me some slack to go off and do what i want. Good luck!!!
My thoughts: A good partner supports the other in any healthy pursuit. If your wife, girl or guy doesn't respect your personal development, they are not much of a partner.
Realize the average person has no clue what it takes to get good at any instrument. That's why people are always saying 'yeah, I always wish I had stuck with it,' and 'I bought this guitar, but man it was just way too hard.' No, it was not too hard, you just gave up too easy.
My advice: hang out with musicians, and where they hang out. You'll find a girl who loves music or is a musician.
I have two young kids. My home studio got converted into a nursery and the regular night when my guitar playing buddy came round had to go out the window too. I still get two nights a week, one rehearsal night and a weekend gig. I don't have much opportunity to play outside that time unless I play REAL quiet after everyone's gone to bed. My wife loves what I do - she's not a big fan of the harmonica, but it's an outside interest. We both believe that to keep a relationship healthy you need an outside interest. She has her cake decorating classes, I have my band and the harp. Time alone = better time together.
I think you need to structure your practice time. That way she (or the next "she") will know where they stand. "This is my night, my time". I agree with other people here. Getting a band together would be good for you to develop as a player (some things you can only learn with other musicians) and also give your playing time some predictable (for her) structure.
If you want something serious, you have to work at it. That goes for the harp and for the girls. You can have both, but the girl needs to know where she stands as early on as possible. Hopefully you can be a little more tactful than telling her the harmonica is more important than her too! Good luck Jon!
my wife is not just my music partner, we are fishing buddies, we road trip together, vacation together, i go with her to cover events for the local newspaper, we're sort of joined at the hip. but sometimes when it's time for me to go sub in on harp with a band, she stays home. we co-write songs and work them up together, in fact we just counted up about 20 songs we're going to finish developing in anticipation of the next cd.
she knew that my art was vital to my well-being without me explaining it. the same way that i respect her passion for writing local news and features, taking the money shot pictures she gets published locally.
someone said time alone = better time together and i totally agree. everything has its place. but take a long view. if you don't get x hours of practice this week, just pack more into less time and maybe defer more rapid progress in the interest of family harmony, romantic harmony, whatever. the harps will always be waiting. and in the breaks between when i was intensely working to improve, when i wasn't even touching a harp, things were percolating in the back of my mind. next time i did pick up a harp, i had a-HA moments. things clicked into place that were just not there before.
it's hard to look at the far horizon. i remember my 20's. but i was just so stuck in the moment, and so unwilling at the same time to take a sober look at where i was and what i really wanted, that i missed some things. i could have had lessons from the likes of kurt pennington, sam myers, and others if i'd focused better. i missed a few possible relationships along the way too. not that i regret a single day now, but i do think how different some parts of my life could have been if i'd been able to look at things from a more objective place and make some different decisions.
maybe the real important word here is balance. if we are to have a full life we must find a balance between vocation, avocation, and responsibility to those who are in our lives.
for years when I dated a girl and things started to get serious they would start on me about quitting playing in a band. the first one that didn't want me to quit, I married...then took 10 years off anyway. (kids, career, etc.) I've been back at it for about 3 years and we're both loving every minute of it. I have my studio above a detached garage (soundproof) and she has no problem with me spending hours there. she's a keeper
When I've been out on the road making money, the first thing I do when I come home is give my wife $100-200. This is called positive reinforcement. Share the wealth.
Last night I took a harp out for the first time in a week and after five minutes of practice my wife came in and said "Shush! I've just put Shaun to bed." So much for practice.
But my wife is sweet, kind, cute, and sexy, and for the most part she's incredibly supportive of my music. I spent quite a few years practicing hard and wishing I had somebody like her around.
Never make a woman feel that she's in competition with your music. But never put up with a woman who tries deliberately to provoke a confrontation regarding that point. Especially if you're young and ambitious, you're going to have to put in some long hours in the 'shed. That's just the way it is. Make sure you've got a GF who supports your dreams.
I'm married to the meanest woman in the world. Mean as a snake. Half Navajo and half Mexican. I am a victim. Our marriage will make the 25 year mark this coming July. It is a partnership founded in terror and intimidation. To say that I sleep with one eye open is a mild understatement. The insidious thing is that everyone that meets my wife comes away with the impression that she is the sweetest, most patient person they've ever met. Treacherously clever. I can give no advice in this matter. Over the past two and a half decades, I have spent untold amounts of time away from home. Every return is a reunion. I do all my harp playing when I'm away from the house. Thousands of hours. When I do whip out a harp to do some front porch or BBQ jamming with whatever houseguest d' jour happens to be visiting in our Princess Suite or the guest house, my wife appreciates it (or, at least tolerates it). However, this is because my "practicing" is done elsewhere. My wife hears a polished product. The screeching, missed notes, and other sounds reminiscent of a dull table saw or burning exotic bird store have taken place somewhere else.
I don't care how "supportive" you expect a spouse or significant other to be. You really can't blame anyone for cringing, complaining or otherwise squirming under the squall of a practicing harp player. Have some consideration. Go out and get yourself a woodshed. Let the little woman know that you have a need to spend harp time. Let her know that you prefer that as a mistress and your fidelity is unaffected by your time playing.....since your most introspective appraisals of your love for her flow through the emotions you evoke through your playing. You come away from your harp playing with a deeper love and appreciation of both life and her (it helps to be full of shit as well).
Gussow's advice to come home and kick down with some money is sound. Positive reinforcement will go incalculably far in a successful marriage. That, and fear.
I've mostly worked nights so i have the house to myself during the day. As long as I help with chores she's happy. I even took early retirement from my job of 27 years after they transferred me to days against my wishes. Weekends work out pretty good (absence makes the heart grow fonder). I took over our rental house next door when the last tenant left to create a studio/garage for my hobbies. It's all been one step at a time. Don't know if it's helped my playing but at least I have no excuse!
Ya.. screw around and get in the way of either and it'll cut you off at the knees! A pissed off woman with a hammer and your harps is going to get expensive in a hurry.
I am very lucky. My head was in a bad place and I had lost most of my outside interests (I work from home doing freelance graphic arts and writing, and work had been very slow for about a year. I am also at home to keep an eye on our dog who is epileptic, but that's another story). She saw I was withdrawing a bit and was depressed, so she talked me into going to that friend's little home jam that I mentioned to many times already (the banjo player).
If it weren't for her I would be dollar richer (I wouldn't have over $3000 invested in music) but I would be mentally poorer. It was a very good investment.. and so was the music! ;-)
If you don't practice your harp your chops will leave you. If you don't tend to your woman, she will leave you, too. If you don't drink your booze, well, whiskey and blues Will still always be there for you.
No good woman, not as faithful as the blues No good woman, not even as faithful as a cheap bottle of booze And When she decides to leave you, There ain't nothing you can do.
Yeah, all kidding aside, I've been married for three years now (with the same girl for 11 years though), and I did it like Ant138, MrVlun, phogi, and jbone say up there. My wife is big fan of music (one of the main reasons we got together in the first place), but doesn't play an instrument herself, and isn't a huge fan of blues or harmonica in general (though she likes both if it sounds good to her). She knows learning an instrument is a hard thing to do, though, and she knows I love playing harp,and that it keeps me sane. She has her stuff that she loves and that keeps her sane as well. Neither of us knows a whole lot about each others hobbies (in the fact that I could never make jewelry or clothing like she does, and she can't play the harp or cook or build stuff like me), but we keep tabs on what the other one is doing in their hobby and how they are progressing. We try to make some time for ourselves where we can do our things by ourselves. This is important, because you have to make the "together time" count, and not half ass it because you are really thinking about harp or knitting or whatever. But, you don't want to isolate her away from you harp playing. She'll really start to think of it as competition that way: her against the harp. Even though you don't want to always be practicing or playing around her during your "together time", you gotta once and a while say "hey baby, listen to this new song I got down" and play a bit for her. Let her know that you value her opinion about how it sounds and how you could make it better. Don't invite her to band rehearsals (or even private practice time), but if you get gigs, make sure she knows that she can come along. At least that's the way I've found it to work. ---------- -------------- The magnificent YouTube channel of the internet user known as "isaacullah"
Last Edited by on Sep 22, 2009 10:46 AM
I just happened to be working on a song that kind of relates here:
My dog jumped the fence, I think he got ate by a gator My wife took the kids, said "Hey, chump, see ya later.) She left almost 3 weeks ago-- Sure do miss that dog. . .
I was lucky--I was already a convicted musician when I met my wife of the last 39 years, and we put an act together--so, when I practice, I just make sure to keep asking her if it sounds any better.
It also helps to have a woodshed that is separated from the house--the only time she hears me practice these days is when I get a little carried away with the volume knob. 39 years and she still taps her toe when I play the blues--she oughtta be canonized er, sainted, er, uh--obeyed. . .
And yes, Buz--it does really help to be full of shit!
I should add that my wife never ceases to amaze me. Last week I handed her the nice new tambourine that I'd bought for my kid--who banged on it briefly but wasn't really interested--and she took it and launched into an amazing uptempo gospel groove. It had incredible bounce to it. She grew up attending a pentecostal church multiple times per week and that's what they did, apparently. She doesn't go to church now and prefers smooth jazz; other than that, she doesn't have musical talent--or at least I THOUGHT she didn't have musical talent.
I think she and I will have to make a video at some point. First we need to jam and see if it works.
YouTube comes through once again. I searched COGIC and tambourine and found a video in which the woman is doing EXACTLY what my wife did. My wife is cuter and not nearly as hard-edged, but you get the point: when your wife starts popping a tambourine like this, it's hard not to go "Dang!"
Can't you imagine a harp/tambourine duet?
Last Edited by on Sep 22, 2009 11:30 AM
I think the combination of timing and positive reinforcement can work. My wife took me out for my birthday dinner a few weeks ago and afterwards we stopped in the lounge to have a drink and listen to a kid playing guitar and singing in the corner. By night's end, he and I had exchanged phone numbers as I had offered to do some recording for him. This Sunday was when I took a half a day to do a session at the restaurant. My wife was not really behind it but since she was there when I met the artist she didn't put up that much of a fight. Problem solved when I came back home with 3 pounds of chef-prepared pasta from one of her favorite restaurants. Turns out the guitar player is the owner's kid. Mom and Pop came out for the session (as he is only 16) and we all hit it off well. There will be more food-for-recording in the future and hopefully less resistance at home. The sad part was I never made sure he was in standard pitch (or at least plus or minus a 1/2 step) so i can't play harp with the tracks we made unless I put in some more serious studio time to adjust the pitch.
On the other hand, she bought herself a painting off the restaurant wall that was for sale, so maybe she felt guilty about buying that on my birthday. Either way, I'll take it.
In my 'early days' my dream was to coach ice hockey full-time. I got married at 30 to a woman who 'tolerated' my love for hockey and dream to coach. When I was finally presented with the opportunity she didn't like it and kicked me to the curb. Her loss.
I got remarried and have been married to the same woman for 6 years now. She LOVES the game of hockey and actually kept me from quitting several times over. After I left coaching I picked up the the harmonica (never played another instrument). Mary has been just as supportive of my new 'passion'. Now, my she also happens to be a singer/songwriter so she has a clue about music. However, I know for a fact that she doesn't care to hear me practice and would rather I spent all my free time with her but she encourages me to play none-the-less.
I think the reality is this: 1. When you find the RIGHT woman she will support you in whatever you do. 2. There is always a give and take in relationships. Maybe it's throwing her a quick C-Note, or maybe it's passing up a little bit of practice time to show her some attention. If you're the RIGHT MAN for her, you will WANT to do that rather than feel obligated to do so.
Don't rush finding the right woman, Jon. I made that mistake the first time through.
Dude, you are 25 and "getting plenty of ass". Why worry about it? If it becomes important enough to you, you will do the things it takes to make a relationship work.
That will probably happen when you find someone who appreciates your focus on your music. I don't know of any relationship will work out with zero time in unless it is one of those "ass a plentys" you have. Sounds like the perfect setup for you right now.
So enjoy being young, focus on your music, and when things work out they just will. No one said you need to be in a relationship.
Now, go and get your groove on.
Last Edited by on Sep 22, 2009 1:52 PM
GOD! Women, Sex, Music, Money. The world in a nutshell. (toss in good food and booze). My wife is my third one - an ill spent youth where I went through 2 in 8 years - of 30 years plus. A great lady. I keep her by virtue of my great skill as a cook, lover, and master counterfeiter. Think it has more to do with the countfeiting.
She thinks my pursuit of being a blues harp player is amusing. Did not have much appreciation for it until she saw Satan and Adam in Philly. Now she simply says "If you could play like that, I might not mind it." I went from an admirer of Adam Gussow to having my own Adam Gussow dart board in the garage right next to the Bin Laden one. I do not practice as much as i should. Maybe 4 - 5 hours a week. Largely because a minature dachshund we have revels in howling over my playing. My wife is on the other side of the house in the living room but the dog likes to jam. I do sing pretty well, but there is never anyone in the shower or car to give me a second opinion.
I have begun to practice in a room on the second floor instead of in the comfort of my rec room where the dog usually hangs out. Worked in corporate America all my life except 2 years in the Army and 2 horrible years in real estate. Work has never really interfered with anything I wanted to do. Hey, Jon, never too late to start a career somewhere. UNless of course being a free spirit is more appealing to you. I make no judgement, my friend. I have many friends who are artists of sorts. They pursued their passions and are very happy. Their wives are always pissed and want more money for stuff. Any kind of stuff.
I could give my wife money but she would not change her opinion on my playing. Probably a virtue, and I need to rethink marrying a virtuous woman. My sister who lives with us says I play well, but my wife reminds me she is bi-polar and on massive medication.
I would give up harp for constant sex, but at my age, I get more mileage out of harp. My wife probably woudl agree. I hope I live long enough to forget totally about sex and become an accomplished harmonica player.
Jesus Christ, I couldn't read this whole thread. Okay, I've laughed, I've signed and I've shaken my head. Just remember the definition of luck. "When opportunity and know how meet at the crossroad". Fact is, some will never see it. Sorry about your luck,
Looks like a marriage councillor could get a few hot leads here and set up some mediation?
Seriously though, we should impress upon our loved ones how fortunate it is for them that we are only practicing the harmonica. Imagine the situation if our choice of instruments to practice on were a trumpet, trombone, violin, oboe, tuba or drums? We would not only have our loved ones ie wife and dogs to placate but half the neighbourhood!
Makes you wonder how does anyone learn to play the tuba really well? Where do they go for practice? Are any of them married?
"I went from an admirer of Adam Gussow to having my own Adam Gussow dart board in the garage right next to the Bin Laden one. I do not practice as much as i should. Maybe 4 - 5 hours a week."
That's dedication. I only practice throwing darts at my enemies on special occasions.
