MJ
441 posts
Aug 02, 2012
4:45 PM
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
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mandowhacker
194 posts
Aug 02, 2012
5:52 PM
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A lot of my most fond memories come from the time that I lived in Marfa, TX--59 miles north of the Mexican border.
I was the Parts/Service manager of the local Chevy dealer. I knew every rancher for miles around. Make that miles and miles, it's West Texas.
I know that rancher......I'd just have to narrow him down out of a dozen prospects!!!!
Greg
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Just when I got a paddle, they added more water to the creek.
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Michael Rubin
638 posts
Aug 02, 2012
7:22 PM
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I play Marfa twice a year.
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nacoran
6034 posts
Aug 02, 2012
8:26 PM
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That reminds me of the old joke about two ships passing in the seas, one of which happened to be an aircraft carrier.
It was a stormy night, so they'd gotten kind of close by the time they could see each other's lights. The captain of the carrier ordered his radio man to contact the other ship. At the other end, a groggy voice answered.
The captain didn't wait to start yelling. "Veer to port, we are coming through."
The groggy man on the other end started to explain that he couldn't do that. The captain cut him off, "Get the hell out of my way. This is the captain of the USS Enterprise, a nuclear powered aircraft carrier in the most powerful navy in the world. Veer to port, we are coming through."
There was a pause, and the sleepy man on the other end answered. "You can do that if you want. I'm just the night radio guy here, but to be fair, this is the Anchorage Lighthouse. Your call."
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Nate
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MP
2393 posts
Aug 03, 2012
2:20 PM
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:-) i'm stealing this joke MJ.
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MP
affordable reed replacement and repairs.
"making the world a better place, one harmonica at a time"
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Steamrollin Stan
503 posts
Aug 03, 2012
2:33 PM
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I was at the local pub on Thursday and this huge big red kangaroo came in and lent on the bar then ordered a beer, barman poured it and then said "that's fifteen dollars thanks"...the roo paid the man without any prob's, the bartender then said "you know we dont get many kangaroos coming in here"..the roo replied "well at fifteen bucks a beer i can see why"...then hopped out the door......tish boom??
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spackle20
16 posts
Aug 03, 2012
9:49 PM
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A priest gets on a bus, and sits down next to a rabbi reading a newspaper. After a minute, the priest asks, "Rabbi you're not supposed to eat pork, are you ?". The rabbi said no. The priest asks, Have you ever slipped up ? The rabbi answered Yes.
A minute later the rabbi says, What about you, you are supposed to remain celibate. Have you ever slipped up ? The priest answered Yes.
A couple of minutes go by, the rabbi looks over and asks, It's better than pork, isn't it ?
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Since I learned to overblow, I don't use my car horn so much any more.
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eharp
1918 posts
Aug 04, 2012
4:25 AM
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nate- the other ship was a lighthouse?
mj's joke reminds me of the park ranger that rows up to the guy fishing with dynamite.
ya'll know that one, right?
or the one about the guy that is told by the doctor he has only 6 months live.
"six months? i want to live longer than that. isnt there anything i can do?"
doc advises him to marry a jewish woman and move to new yourk.
"will that really help me live for more than 6 months?"?"
"no, but it will seem like a lot longer."
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nacoran
6039 posts
Aug 04, 2012
7:23 PM
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eharp, yeah, according to the joke. It's old enough that it's on Snopes as false, but I still like it.
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Nate
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The Iceman
393 posts
Aug 05, 2012
9:38 AM
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
"A Ba-Boom!"
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The Iceman
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eharp
1927 posts
Aug 05, 2012
9:59 AM
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this thread is marked OT, unlike the capitalism thread.
everyone notice how smoothly this one is running along??
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LSC
269 posts
Aug 05, 2012
12:38 PM
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So this old rancher, maybe the same one from the opening post, gets hit by a tractor trailer while loading his mule next to the road. This being the land of litigation he sues the trucking company and it goes to trial. The rancher is called to testify. Under cross examination by high priced suit the following testimony is given...
Suit: "Now isn't it true that when questioned by the officer on the scene and asked how you were you replied "Fine?"
Rancher: Well there I was trying to get my favorite mule, Betsy into her trailer when..."
Suit: Sir, that is not answering the question. Isn't it true when questioned by the officer at the scene you replied that you were, and I quote, "Fine".
Rancher: Well see, I was loading Betsy in when..."
Suit: "Your Honor will you please instruct the witness to answer the question. He is claiming damages for extensive injuries yet according to the officer on the scene he said he was fine."
Judge: "No, I think we'll let him answer in his own words. I'm curious about Betsy."
Rancher: So I was trying to get my mule, Betsy into the trailer when that semi come along and bang just ran into my truck. Sent me flying one way and Betsy flying the other. It was terrible. I'm lying on one side of the road all busted up but Betsy is on the other side of the road and she is just braying and hollering and was in a hell of a state.
That's when the trooper came up, took one look at Betsy, pulled out his gun and shot her in the head. Then he comes over to me, gun still in his hand, and says, "How are you doing?"
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LSC
Last Edited by on Aug 05, 2012 12:39 PM
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The Iceman
394 posts
Aug 05, 2012
1:33 PM
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So this skeleton walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and says "Hey bartender. Get me a beer and a mop".
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The Iceman
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Noodles
204 posts
Aug 05, 2012
2:13 PM
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How is a walrus like a harp player?
They're both looking for a tight seal
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Last Edited by on Aug 05, 2012 2:14 PM
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BronzeWailer
753 posts
Aug 06, 2012
2:58 AM
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A Texas cattle rancher had three sons; he passed away one day and they inherited the ranch. They decided to change the name of the ranch to "Focus". Why? Because that's where the sons raise meat.
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
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The Iceman
395 posts
Aug 06, 2012
7:15 AM
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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The Iceman
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chromaticblues
1289 posts
Aug 06, 2012
7:36 AM
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MJ that's funny!
Noodles Honerable mention!
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snakes
677 posts
Aug 06, 2012
12:45 PM
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So this is actually a true story from yours truly. I've probably already lost most of you...
One day I call my friend and colleague at work about some business issue and get his voice mail. Always trying to get a laugh I speak into the voice mail in a gruff and raspy voice, "this is Satan, time to come home" and then hang up. I am thinking that I am a funny man.
A little later in the day I get a voice mail back from my friend, who by the way was in the middle of a very messy divorce. His voice mail to me says, "yo, Satan, I ain't afraid of you. I've been married to your sister for 9 years!" He wins.
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snakes in Snohomish
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