Note: I am using my one off topic mulligan here where Adam states that the occasional gripe about the missus is not grounds for banishment. Please read no further if you have no interest in the stated topic. Thanks
This is where I'm at....I've played out with a couple of bands some, even got paid a couple of times. Nothing steady. I'm now networking with local musicians, going to open mics, sitting in some with bands, the usual. I'm trying to find something steady or even start a band of my own, but right now it's just in the formative stage. This of course requires late nights in some questionable establishments that I don't particularly care to take my wife to, especially when she has to go to work early the next day. The little lady is quite fond of this fat man and seems to think I am highly desirable among the bar floozies. She feels the need to go with me EVERYWHERE I go to play music, not because she loves to hear me play, but to guard me from the bar babes. She says she trusts me but not them, which makes no sense to me. Hopefully it's not reflected guilt on her part which I have no reason to suspect. Don't get me wrong, if I was playing a real show I wouldn't mind it at all, and she has been with me to all of those, but while I'm in this networking / formative stage, her presence can be a little dampening if you know what I mean. I've been hitched now nearly 25 years and would of course would choose her over the harp, I don't want to have to do that, but sitting around playing in the living room isn't where I want to be. I want to be out there and be heard and maybe even bring home a few bucks now and then, which is better than the zero I bring home now. So if she continues to insist on going with me to every road house, bar, and honky tonk while I'm trying to put something together, well....I don't know. Any tips, advice, insight, is appreciated.
Have you ever cheated, be it while you were with her or before you even met her? Has she ever been cheated on? Does she have any valid reason for being concerned?
Those are hard questions but probably best answered before your question can be answered.
I have been happily married for 31 years. I met my wife as I came off the stage one night. She was dancing very sexily in front of me all night and we have been together ever since. Regarding the music issue, and most all issues, clear communication is the key to success. We didn't arrive at this naturally. It came about via our inability to solve our issues. We ended up getting in counseling 25 years ago. Since then we have done couples, individual, and groups (on our own). This is the key for our relationship staying together and happy so long. My music will always be #1 and Judy knew that from day one. Back then it took the form of playing most everynight of the week around the world. Today it is me being locked up in my studio on our property 40-80 hours a week (on top of my day job). Judy eventually got tired of coming to the gigs because of all the dysfunction in the club scene. She still enjoys my music at home and select places where that stuff isn't happening. She has always been and still is my biggest fan. I couldn't imagine living with someone that wasn't because my music is my life!
My first serious girlfriend and I ended our seemingly lifelong relationship over the music. She wanted me to stay local and I couldn't do that. She was very wealthy and offered me all kinds of perks to not go out for extendend times but I had no interest in things like fancy cars, instruments, a real studio, etc, if I couldn't do the music the way it wanted to come out.
Falling in love is easy. What is hard is the communication skills, compromising, and honesty, that is required for a long term loving relationship. Also as we age our interests, financial concerns, and views usually change. These changes go on through our entire lives like when we were kids money meant nothing but a hole to dig in meant everything..... These issues are the prime reasons I have seen in my many therapies. One goes one way and the other doesn't. Simple equation that ends in argument, divorce and or staying together but disconnected. Keeping a long term relationship fresh, passionate, and honest, is a lot harder work than playing an harp! I should become a musicians therapist with all the couch time I have put in :-) seriously though, it has kept me alive, passionate, happy, and hopeful. Tools in the toolbox- the more you got the easier life is! Walter ---------- walter tore's spontobeat - a real one man band and over 1 million spontaneously created songs and growing. I record about 300 full length cds a year. " life is a daring adventure or nothing at all" - helen keller
I've been down your road-twice. Jealousy, trust issues, hatred of bar rooms, etc. It's a slippery slope, and I don't know how to best advise you. I truly believe that all couples need time just to themselves to retain their individuality, and use it as a break from The Great Compromise that is marriage. Does she get out on her own? Perhaps if she did, she'd leave you be. After 22 years of almost constatly belonging to at least one band at any given time, I've given that up, and only do sit-ins, hired gun or quick throw-together shows, teaching and jams-none of which require much or any practice outside the house-which can get you in even MORE hot water. I don't miss all the band member drama, peple not showing up for rehearsal, etc. I have always loved to play for an auidience, so I've stripped it down to just that now. But, you are enjoying the band thing, I'm guessing. Be frank with her:some places are shitholes that just aren't the type of joints where respectable women want to be, etc., so maybe she doesn't have to drag around with you everywhere. I'd trade you problems-my current/semi-estranged wife doesn't support my music at all, stating that I don't pay her attention when I'm out on the scene. Not true, of course, but you can't change how someone feels. Good luck. ---------- Todd L. Greene
Todd: I agree with each having their own lives. Judy and I are loners that are best friends. We have always gone our own way much of the time. That makes being together so special! When we owned our bus and lived full time in it for a year, I lost my studio, and we both lost our privacy. I had used it for tours, getaways together, but we always had a house to come back to. A 40 foot bus looks huge until you live in it full time. I know i would never cheat on Judy and she on me. Why? Because we truly love each other and that has grown stronger over the years with our continued work on our individual and couple issues. Sadly most people get emotionally frozen in a certain era of their life. They can be hugely successful finacially yet be 8 years old with being in a healthy relationship. It reminds me of some of my lifelong friends that are alcoholics. When they get straight they go right back to the emotional age they were when they started drinking and it is just to hard to handle so they get loaded again. Most are dead and that is sad. I figure I got one thing to look forward to- death- so I might as well face life with the all the gusto imaginable. I know if Judy dies before me I will end my life alone. That is ok because I have experienced a wonderfull loving wife. Walter ---------- walter tore's spontobeat - a real one man band and over 1 million spontaneously created songs and growing. I record about 300 full length cds a year. " life is a daring adventure or nothing at all" - helen keller
My case isn't harp or band related but I think the emotion is the same.
I don't completely understand such questions or dilemmas. I have certain passions but I also have an order to things. No matter what the order goes wife/family first. I fill in the rest of the list as needed. No matter what.
I grew up expecting to be a fighter some day. I have been involved in fighting and anything related since childhood and very seriously for the last 30 years. I wanted to head towards being a pro. Getting married and having kids killed all of that although I did keep training and fighting all these years to point. But I was never able to put in what was needed to go the extra steps. This is because of family and all that is involved in that. Yes, I could have spent time away and did what I had to do to further my career in fighting, much like someone with a passion to make it in music might do, but family is more important to me and so is my wife.
Even at age 51 I started fighting MMA and was heading for a cage match. Still trying to cling on to lost dreams. I got sick and now can no longer fight but I still train pretty hard. But my dreams are gone and my go to plan of coaching or teaching doesn't seem like anything that will happen either again due to family responsibility. I coach and teach on a limited schedule.
I feel I made that choice when I got married. After the wedding day the future is unknown. Your kids can grow up and after age 18 or 21 become independent and you don't have to worry anymore. Or you can end up having to care for them your whole life. At that point your life never gets off the ground. So be it. It's called love. I thought my kids would grow and my wife and I would relax. Now I am taking care of babies again....grandchildren; practically raising them...certainly supporting them to an extant. For those babies and the love I feel for them I will give up my home and live in the street if I had to. I don't question it. My wife is my best friend. Period.
These things, IMO, should be considered before ever getting married. Am I willing to give up my dreams? Her or it? My dreams sunk. I often wonder what might have been. Through the years I stayed as close as I could to it and did the best I can making a decent name for myself. But it wasn't enough. Am I upset? No. Sad? Not really. But I do often wonder what could have been. Because of my family obligations I often fly under the radar or go unnoticed. When someone sees me do what I do then they ask..."where the hell did he come from? How old is he? How come I've never heard of him?" If I had to do it all over again? I'd do it all the same.
Kind of sounds like my wife when we were dating/engaged. Even if it was a night off, she knew my EVERY move (lol). But since the marriage she is more flexable.
I'm not sure it's appropriate to analyze, but I was struck by something you wrote, Crispyagain. I mean no offense, I hope this might help you as you reflect on your problem.
"Hopefully it's not reflected guilt on her part which I have no reason to suspect."
In my opinion, the fact that you wrote this sentence means you do suspect it's reflected guilt. There might be a reason for your suspicion, even if you're not aware of it or if it's totally irrational, and it could be worth thinking and talking about.
I would recommend you and your wife read the book, "Not Just Friends" By Shirley Glass. It talks a lot about trust, suspicion and healthy communication.
"The little lady is quite fond of this fat man and seems to think I am highly desirable among the bar floozies."
that cracks me up! love it! i had the same problem with the exception that she liked to hear me play and sing. she just wanted to be with me all the time. what a charming woman. i am very lucky.
there is an up side to this behaviour. after 25 years the woman is still attracted the fat man. pretty cool.
for me, when donna asked, "do you want me to come with you?" the answer was always yes. she never understood ' boys night out', - either that, or it didn't apply to me.
maybe you should count your blessings and let her have her way. :) just a thought..
----------
MP doctor of semiotics and reed replacement.
"making the world a better place, one harmonica at a time"
@crispyagain - great that you can open up to the forum, but it may be more difficult to open up to the wife?
Perhaps if you choose your moment carefully, you can show her this thread. I don't think we have reached a collective solution, but it may make her realise the problem you feel exists with the current situation.
Whatever you do, the very best of luck. I was touched that you said that you would choose her over playing live (your dream). If she can understand how important she is to you, then she may relax.
I'm lucky-- my current wife laid eyes on me for the first time when I was on stage in a pub, playing harp in a blues band. She was dancing with her sisters. She kept coming back every weekend because she liked the music. I thought she was gorgeous, and peeked at her on the dance floor whenever I thought she wasn't looking.
I didn't know it at first, but my future wife also had her eyes, or should I say ears, on me, "the harmonica player". She told me later it was the sound that attracted her, not my magnetic good looks.
End result, we got together through music and have been together for 20 years. I still play whenever I can. She will come to a club and hear me if she can get a girlfriend to come with her. If she can't, she will stay at home. We trust each other.
If I tried anything funny in the small town we live in, it would be reported back to her the next day by at least five people-- a great "we trust each other" backup.
My wife can't really complain about me playing in bars-- that's how we met. She can't say I surprised her with a lifestyle change.
For what it's worth, you might just let your wife keep coming to your gigs, jams and whatnot. My prediction is she'll eventually relax, or get bored, or both, and stop coming.
One last suggestion-- if you haven't got one, get yourself a wedding band, and wear it on the appropriate finger whenever you play. Depending on how you hold your harp, any amorous woman would have to think long and hard if she looked at your wedding band every time you put harp to mouth.
Or, maybe, scratch that. Drunk women might not care whether the man they want is married or single.
Anways, good luck, I hope it works out. Making good music, when it truly clicks, is a wonderful high, better than s*x (don't tell our wives).
i am in a unique and- to me- fortunate spot. my wife is my primary music partner! we know where we're going to be, what time we're arriving and leaving, and where the $$ goes when we make a buck or 2. she is guitar and i am harp, we both sing, and we're pretty well known locally. it has been a total trip watching her grow into this over the past 5 years, which is about how old the duo is. very occasionally i have been asked to sit in or sub with another band and gone alone. i always check in with my wife during the evening to tell her how the gig is going etc. she appreciates that.
my last wife had a real problem with trusting me when i was pretty mush in your shoes crispy. i had given her no reason to be apprehensive but the rationale was the same- she trusted me but it was "those people" she didn't trust. i was at a point in that relationship where i could tell her a couple of things, like if she couldn't trust me wherEVER i went we didn't need to be together, and that i was fully intending to do music in one form or another for the rest of my life so i hoped she liked the idea. for me it has never been about the flirtation or whatever up to sexual trysts, when i'm doing music that's what i'm doing and that's it. and for sure there is a component to blues or to people where they get more sexy and receptive when a band is doing the right stuff, i have been flirted WITH many times. but i don't encourage it and if i were single and looking, the last place i'd be looking would be the local watering hole. sounds like your wife has a mistaken idea about either these bar gals' sexual powers or about your ability to leave them alone. and maybe she doesn't believe your motives in seeking a band at these joints. but this is the arena where blues is played, it's sometimes a hotbed of sexual lunacy. the important thing is, if you want to stay with your wife and she won't change her mind, maybe you can seek out musicians through the internet and local newspapers, etc, maybe even find some guys in a church band who could possibly be future band mates. or you may get lucky. your wife may do what mine did, come home with a guitar one day and learn to play! ---------- http://www.reverbnation.com/jawboneandjolene
"She says she trusts me but not them, which makes no sense to me."
Here's what Psychology 101 has taught me, and many others just like me:
Sentences like she is saying above, imply that she does not trust herself when put in the same position, aka, she trusts you - but doesn't trust the floozies? It has to be a two way street to work. When I've met people (including myself) that have used this line of projection, it really says "put in that situation, I wouldn't trust myself! I'd totally fall for a floozy!" (which in her case is probably male, but I'm not here to judge!)
In short, she's projecting upon you what her own fears are, if she were put in the same situation.
You can choose to disagree with this, but I'm not here to start a debate about it. I simply have met many in life that have lived by her response, and I've seen the outcome that matches it.
The root here is her own ability to resist temptation. Not yours.
You know that you are dedicated to the music when you are sitting in a club watching some blues, and some hot looking woman steps in front of you, and all you can think about is getting her out of the way because she is blocking your view of the harp player.
If she has to get up and work early the next day, and she insists on coming out EVERY TIME to watch you do even the least bit of jamming/playing, she is either extremely in love with you and/or your playing, or she is extremely jealous and fears other women getting to you, or she is bored shitless in her life, or all of the above.
Last Edited by on Dec 11, 2011 7:49 AM
This thread is going in scarey places. Too deep and it's leading to too many questions that probably shouldn't be asked. IMO I'd say walk on eggshells at this point if you are going to consider anything said here in this thread. Be careful what you say to your wife and especially think twice about bringing up any trust issues etc. It may open doors to rooms you don't want to go into. Don't get to the point where you're sorry you started the conversation.
Maybe you should just back up to the day before you posted your question here and then go with your own feelings.
I would just let the lady have her ways and come to every gig, jam or whatever ; eventually, she will get tired of it and decide herself to stay home sometimes.
This of course requires late nights in some questionable establishments that I don't particularly care to take my wife to, especially when she has to go to work early the next day.
question...why does it require you to do this?
i can not go deep into the mysteries of life but i can tell you this. if you're in that bad of joints for very long you will get in some sort of trouble. if you bring your wife at sometime you will probably have to defend her honor or your manhood. if you don't bring her ... i think you'll get into some sort of trouble anyway.
Aw , for cryin out loud, your wife is seeing you thru the eyes of love. If she would take off those rose colored glasses, and see the reality of it, her worries would be over. The Reality is that you play the darn Harmonica, I have never in my life seen any woman go ga ga over a cotton pickin harmonica player, it is not as if you were a drummer chasing the girls or some sort of performer that turns women on like a singer or saxophone player. Even a handsome feller like Gussow is surrounded by Harpwannabee GUYS when he steps down from the bandstand, not hot babes.
Tell your wife harmonica players are as safe in a bar as a quart of milk . Tell her the Reverent Jimmie Jive said that. The good part of you situation is that she adores you tho (or maybe you just have a great day job ?) My Mrs Jive do not care where I go , or what I do, or how late I get home , or what I smell like, I do not know if she love me or not, maybe she do, but she knows that I am just a harp player, and no longer good lookin no how, so she just has her tea , and goes to bed without a worry in her head.
Is she enjoying going to these places? If she is and they are not physically dangerous places to be, see if you can figure out how to work it out so you can work it to your advantage. I have a couple I'm friends with. One of them always calls it a night early. The other one walks them out to the car to say goodnight and they meet back at home later that night. It works for them. (Actually, it's the guy who packs it in early.) Let her worry about getting up in the morning. Take different cars if you can.
Is she feeling left out? Ask her if she wants to learn an instrument or if she'd like to spend some quality time at a different time. Maybe she likes the music scene too. I'm certainly not a relationship expert, but I think couples need stuff they can do together. They also need stuff they can do apart. There is no reason any one activity needs to be one or the other.
As for the seediness of these places... what's good for the gander is good for the goose. If she feels comfortable going there don't try to make that an issue. She'll (rightly) turn it around on you. Just because someplace is seedy doesn't mean it's dangerous. If it's jealousy or just general worry the more you seem okay with the fact that she tags along the less likely she'll feel she needs to tag along, especially if she isn't enjoying herself (but, like I said above, she may be enjoying herself.)
Oh, and as to the off topic- if you know you are going off topic just mark the thread OT- at the start. This is not to far off topic, but if you are ever worried about a thread, just mark it OT so people know. You get more mulligans that way. :) ---------- Nate Facebook Thread Organizer (A list of all sorts of useful threads)
Just be persistent. Eventually she will quit coming and leave you alone. Never let your spouse win. You have to think about yourself from time to time too. ---------- Mike Quicksilver Custom Harmonicas VHT Special 6 Mods
I know a lot of musicians who've been playing a long time. You almost never see their wives/girlfriends at regular gigs. Eventually they get bored. It gets pretty repetitious for them. Same songs(more or less), the teardown and packing up. Just let her come. If your love is strong,things will work out.
But if it gives you the kind of emotional satisfaction it gives to me,don't give it up. You won't be happy. I tell my girlfriend that I'll always have a mistress,her name is music.
