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Dirty-South Blues Harp forum: wail on! >
Colonoscopy Blues
Colonoscopy Blues
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Joch230
44 posts
Mar 25, 2010
11:22 AM
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I just got back from having my first colonoscopy. The procedure itself was no big deal. It was yesterday and last night where I had to consume mass quantities of laxatives and blue gatorate. I used blue gatorade so everything came out "with the blues"...I think there is a country western song there somewhere for Walter. Anyhow, I got plenty of time in the bathroom to practice my overblows...I think that's yet another song! Anyhow...it is done! Maybe we should have a Colonscopy Blues song writing contest or something.
Over 50 Blues
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KingoBad
228 posts
Mar 25, 2010
12:37 PM
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Hey, I'm no Howard Levy or anything, but overblows are done with your mouth!
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barbequebob
639 posts
Mar 25, 2010
12:44 PM
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A friend of mine recently got one and they found several polyps and one of them was borderline cancerous and so they got that bad boy just in time. I got a couple of months ago. On CBS's Early Show, they had a broadcoast of Harry Smith getting one.
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Sincerely,
Barbeque Bob Maglinte
Boston, MA
http://www.barbequebob.com
CD available at http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/bbmaglinte
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Pluto
58 posts
Mar 25, 2010
12:57 PM
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with all due respect took, that are NOT rubbish. It is the most preventable form of cancer. I have several friends who are alive today because of the procedure.
Pluto
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tookatooka
1316 posts
Mar 25, 2010
3:58 PM
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Pluto. Have you no sense of humour? It was a joke. Sheesh!
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arzajac
118 posts
Mar 25, 2010
4:05 PM
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At my workplace, a colonoscope is a tube with an asshole at either end.
(old operating room joke)
....But seriously.... They are essential way to detect some cancers early.
Last Edited by on Mar 25, 2010 4:06 PM
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walterharp
278 posts
Mar 25, 2010
4:42 PM
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i missed a major joke when i had mine. the doctor, after all the laxatives asked "clean as a whistle?"
i should have said not one you would want to blow on.
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harp honkin
36 posts
Mar 25, 2010
5:04 PM
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Them overblows are most definitly rough on the reeds!!
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Joch230
47 posts
Mar 25, 2010
5:39 PM
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You guys are killin me...:) Some major comedians.
Don't mind being the "butt" of these jokes...
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Nastyolddog
485 posts
Mar 25, 2010
6:05 PM
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Bro's Colonoscopies i had me one,
I would like to offer some sound advise to Bro's who haven't had one yet,
First befor asking for a colonoscopie
look at your Docters hands,
now if he is about 8 feet tall
hands like King Kong,
run run fast get the Fkn bejeezuses out of there
you don't want this guy sticking his finger up your arse,
go and find a lady Docter a very small Lady Docter recomended Hight about 4 or 5 feet,
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KingoBad
229 posts
Mar 25, 2010
6:25 PM
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If your doctor said he was doing a colonoscopy with his finger, I would hate to see what he puts in there for a prostate exam!
(I might check his credentials if I were you...If you didn't get at least a few pictures afterward, you may have gotten screwed (pun possibly intended))
Last Edited by on Mar 25, 2010 6:40 PM
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Nastyolddog
486 posts
Mar 25, 2010
7:07 PM
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Bro they like to do a little digital
check up for other things first,
to see why your arse might be Bleeding
allso expect to have more than one finger up your arse,
beleive me Bro you don't want a Docter with fingers biger than the nastyest dildo you ever seen in some Porn movie,
sorry Kingo i should have provided more details
see my arse was bleeding ruining my cloths,
i thought i had me some nasty shit happening back there so of to the Dr i trot,
lucky i have a Lady Dr i say you wanna stick what where WTF for i say,
to check for Blue Berrys she says
see lucky me thought cool i only got car problems Hemi-roids,
BUTT i didn't escape the wiggly worm i still got the thiing stuck up my arse where the sun don't shine,
and i got me a nice chop job to put the cars back in the gararge while i was out,
so Bro to cut a long story short
i got 5 fingers up my arse a fucking long wiggly worm camera but i aint got no nastys happening,
and my arse don't bleed no more
What else do you want to know:)
Last Edited by on Mar 25, 2010 9:49 PM
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oldwailer
1152 posts
Mar 25, 2010
9:32 PM
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The first one I had I got to watch on TV. The second one they put me out for.
I don't really trust anybody who wants to put me out and I wake up with a sore asshole and KY jelly on my cheeks. . .
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Rikus
18 posts
Mar 26, 2010
12:55 AM
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I've also been subject to a couple of these...
A while back I came across a really funny and well written column by Dave Barry that pretty accurately described the dreaded colonoscopy. It's worth the read.
(Original at: http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html)
OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons:
1. You've been busy.
2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.
3. You haven't noticed any problems.
4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.
Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ''behindular zone'' gives you the creeping willies.
I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It's much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor's office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.
In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but not right away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly ashamed to tell you about it.
What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a colonoscopy.
If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.
But I didn't get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress.
Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still hadn't gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more mature. The email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:
``Dear Brothers,
``I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We're told it's early and that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.''
Um. Well.
First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.
''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
''Ha ha,'' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .''
. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.
If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.
Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.
I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.
But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.
Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version.
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geordiebluesman
289 posts
Mar 26, 2010
1:22 AM
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Been there, Done that!, so i am lying on my side with my arse in the air as the very pretty fourty something lady Dr is feeding mile after fucking mile of man made anaconda up my poo flue when she casually enquires if i mind if my proceedure is "Observed" as it is a learning hospital. OK says i all inocent an then in walks an entire class of about 30 twenty year old, mostly female, student doctors with bloody note books and stuff who then begin a VERY indepth discussion about the medical merits of my shit shute!, Talk about mortified, its a good job they were all looking at my arse on the large video link up coz my face was beetroot!
Last Edited by on Mar 26, 2010 1:24 AM
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Joch230
48 posts
Mar 26, 2010
6:07 AM
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Wow. Some great stories. I am lucky I didn't have to drink the white colon blow drink...I just had to drink Gatorade mixed with the laxative. The cleansing part is the worst part. The actual procedure is nothing. They give you some major valium kind of stuff and I don't remember it at all. My wife was telling me I was blabbing on about how excited I was to be going to SPAH this fall and meeting other folks into harps. I don't remember it at all!
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Greg Heumann
374 posts
Mar 27, 2010
9:44 PM
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Been there too. It's the shits.
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/Greg
BlowsMeAway Productions
BlueState - my band
Bluestate on iTunes
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Aussiesucker
587 posts
Mar 27, 2010
11:07 PM
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I have had a colonoscopy ca every 3 years for the last 20. Have a history of bowel cancers in the family. Have had a number of polyps removed. I can tell you that having a colonoscopy today is a breeze compared to the regime 20+ years ago.
My first one was a matter of only a few hours from prep to exam. I had to visit a nurses clinic ca 500metres(yards) from the Drs surgery. I remember vividly the nurses (females) pouring a liquid via a funnel up my arse. They then gave me a map of the route to the Drs surgery with all the WCs highlighted every 50 or so metres. They told me I was not allowed to pass any of the toilets for if I missed one I would never make it to the next!! As for the procedure well I can't remember as I was out to it but I was crook for the next week.
I recently underwent an internal bladder examination & I can tell you I was worried sick for a month waiting for my hospital appointment/ admission. I was worried not so much re finding a problem (thank God they didn't) but more re the pain and indignities of such a proceedure.
I went in at 7am and everyone in the theatre was laughing and enjoying a new day at work and although the Dr was a mature male the female nurses all looked young and pretty. One lovely young nurse held my hand throughout the proceedure. The Dr grabbed my old fella and with a pump the size of a bicycle pump proceeded to pump in some anaesthetic gel and gently massage it down my old fella! I couldnt feel a thing although I was wide awake. He then had this metres long black tube with a camera, a light and a means of delivering media dye. No problem except that this bloody tube was the thickness of a Mont Blanc fountain pen. I said with some trepidation that the tube would have no hope of fitting. Drs response was that he did exams on children and it worked on them. It worked of course,and wasn't at all painful, and I was out of the hospital an hour after I went in.
All you young guys have got lots to look forward to. But today it's no drama.
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oldwailer
1158 posts
Mar 27, 2010
11:15 PM
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Yeah, Aussie--I wondered about that--after my first one, several years ago--the young nurse (urologists always hire young nurses to prep you and such) wheeled me out into the gas room and told me that I shouldn't be embarrassed about passing gas and just let out.
I then proceeded to rip out with the longest fart in the history of the world. The nurse said "well, sounds like you're having no problem with blockages.)"
My next one--about a year ago--no gas to speak of. I kind of missed it. . .
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geordiebluesman
290 posts
Mar 28, 2010
3:06 AM
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Part Two.
straight after my proceedure i had to get up to Newcastle to get my van outa the garage coz it had been in getting MOTd, so i jumped in the car with my wife and away we raced.
Time was running very short for catching the garage still open so i raced in threw some cash at my mechanic mate, grabed the keys and jumped in the van.
My wife said she would follow me back in the car coz she didnt know her way through the motorway system so off we set.
About 5 mins into the journey i was gripped by an unspeakable gas spasm and thought to myself "im gonna crap myself before i make it home"! so i put my foot down, the spasms kept getting stronger and the sweat was running down my face as i battled to keep my recently stretched sphincter hole clamped tight shut until, alass, i couldnt fight it no more and let ripp with a monumental trouser filling "shart"(thats a shit filled fart if you dont know)the troble was it was rush hour and i was stuck in a huge traffic jam so i just had to sit there as my fluids seeped into my trousers and slowly cooled.
Finaly i made it home and then realized with horror that my wife had locked up when we set off and she had the house keys! so i had to sit and wait with my pants full of clay cold caca,but alas there was no sign of the wife and then i realized with horror that she had diverted to her mams house to pick up our daughter! which meant a cup of tea and a chat and a good half hour more for me in the turd trousers!
So i had to climb out of my van and shuffle to my neighbors house and get the spare keys off her, " whats the matter with you" she asked, observing my unusual posture, "hurt me back again" i lied and took the keys and shuffled home, actually when i checked the blast zone the damage wasnt so bad coz what i thought was crap turned out to be loads and loads of the lubricating gell they had used to get the camera up there, which is better than crap but still felt awfull on that long lonely journey home
Last Edited by on Mar 28, 2010 3:10 AM
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Chickenthief
29 posts
Mar 28, 2010
3:01 PM
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Well,..without sharing a lot of redundant details, I'll just say that I'm sure glad that I'm not the only one. If it were all just a scam and a prank played on me by my drinking buddies someone would have to get their ass whipped.
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Chickenthief
30 posts
Mar 28, 2010
6:58 PM
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Joch at least you know your #2 hole isn't broken.
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