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Dirty-South Blues Harp forum: wail on! >
How to sing the blues - a primer
How to sing the blues - a primer
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b1ueskyz
10 posts
Aug 11, 2008
5:34 PM
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Saw this on a blues bar's site and had to share it. Thanks to Jeff whoever you are.
HOW TO SING THE BLUES – A PRIMER
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this mornin'...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,
and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice: You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch… ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools arenn't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues.
So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adult" means "old enough to get the chair if you shoot a man in Memphis".
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness is not the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whisky glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also have a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore.
20. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
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Patrick Barker
115 posts
Aug 11, 2008
6:19 PM
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Lol #20- So that's why I can't sing the blues... and unless you went to an internet cafe you can't either ;)
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"Without music, life would be a mistake" -Nietzsche
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Anon
Guest
Aug 11, 2008
8:58 PM
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why didn't I read this before I wasted $$$ & half my life playing with harmonicas!!!!!
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geordiebluesman
57 posts
Aug 12, 2008
6:36 AM
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Right iv'e studied all of the above and iv'e made a few life style ammendments.In order that i can sing the blues i have,shot a dirty look at a man in Menzies,started to drink heavily(some times as often as twice a week),bought a dog with Mange,hooked up with a woman so ugly she makes pissing razor blades seem like a good time!,waited 2 days late to return my History Of Robert Johnson to the library,changed my name to Rank Willy Leaks (inspired by an unpleasant side affect of hooking up with that ugly woman),and Hobo'd outta town to avoid her husband.Do you think i'm deservin yet?
Last Edited by on Aug 16, 2008 1:47 AM
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rustywater
13 posts
Aug 12, 2008
1:40 PM
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Hey Geordie I wondered where my missus had disappeared to, give her a couple of Newcastle Browns and she will do anything you want, including f--k off which is how I got rid of her!
You automatically qualify to sing the blues because of your close proximity to the land of the jock.
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oldwailer
144 posts
Aug 12, 2008
8:43 PM
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Hey Geordie!
Good to see you around again--
I just got out of the shower after a crawl under my house to fix a broken drain pipe--and I think we have to give plumbers a special dispensation for singing the blues--cuz I got them ole "Can't get the stink of the Kitchen sink outta my hide" blues. . .
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geordiebluesman
58 posts
Aug 13, 2008
2:53 AM
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,Hi guy's,have you missed me? iv'e been on me hollies,and it's sure been nice to have a couple of weeks away from other peoples stink!.Actually iv'e been camping and motorbike rallying so the stink ratio stayed quite high.Actually on the subject of bike rallies,if there are any brit bikers who read this forum,check out the sept or oct issue of 100%biker magazine cos they're publishing an article by me called,The Farmyard Party,A Punters Eye View.I'm also excited cos i'm hoping to start seeing a pro harp player for instruction to support the advise from Sir Gussow.The wierd thing is it turns out that the guy plays harp for a band that i illustrated promo posters for 20+ years ago,and the day before i rang him he had been sorting out old band stuff and found one of my posters! wierd or what?.If anyone is interested the band is called The Blues Burglers,they have two songs on you tube Evil and Honey sorry i can't post a link coz i'm a luddite!Oh hang on this might be right. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moRpO5mtH7A&feature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jstUSEcD3QY Well bugger me i'm not as daft as i look! Oh yeah i forgot to mention this is the band that Paul lamb played harp with for years round my home town before he fomed the Kingsnakes,so with a bit of luck i might be getting lessons off Paul Lambs replacement and that's gotta be a hell of an oppertunity,any way if you watch the clips you'll see that this guy Martin Fletcher is the real deal!
Last Edited by on Aug 13, 2008 10:21 AM
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snakes
16 posts
Aug 15, 2008
3:36 PM
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Hey Geordie,
I just met a guy from down under and thought I'd see if you had heard of him as he was an awesome harmonica player. His name is Guy Campbell if I remember correctly. He was up here in Washington state (USA) at the wedding of another harp man named Jim McLaughlin. The wedding was very cool as 90% of it consisted of live music. Ever heard of Guy?
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geordiebluesman
61 posts
Aug 16, 2008
1:46 AM
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Hi Snakes,sorry dear boy but i ain't heard of the bloke,sounds like a better than adverage wedding though, cos god knows those things can be bloody tedious unless you get lucky with a misty eyed bridesmaid that is!
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